even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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