i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
