he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
