There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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