I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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