fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
