i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just forgot I was standing up.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
