Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
