You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Randomize
