I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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