it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
