I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
