Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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