Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
