apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
