the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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