my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
