i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
