There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
