The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
