walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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