you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
