Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
