Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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