it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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