I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
so much tequila, so little girl.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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