i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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