bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
