This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
