Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
