He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
