WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
