Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
