just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
