I faked an abortion last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
