I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
