OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
