My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
