he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize