look no pants
are you so shy because you have an std?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
