So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
