dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
