Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
