I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
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Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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