The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The beer is more important than you right now.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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