My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
