I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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