even my farts smell like vagina
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize