if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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