I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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