i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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