If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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