I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
