youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I sprained my soul last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Pooping to opera.
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