I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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