he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
