Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
