My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
