Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
