I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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