so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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